Mercy

"Compassion is the salve for the agony of departure." ~ Paige Archer

I wonder what it will be like saying good-bye to all of this. I wonder what it will mean to those who have consistently turned their daggers on me, thrust with powerful swords into my heart, and attempted to chop my head off because I think too much?

Oh, Irony! You are the literal Love of Self-preservation.

Oh, Sarcasm! You are the literal Love of Self-prosecution.

Oh, Critique! You are the literal Doom of Soul!

Vacations are too good for the likes of me. To actually forgive myself at anytime, when all I see are the ways to be Doomed, is it any wonder why I am insane? Or am I? Maybe I am just giving myself the twice-over and forgot to pull my punch on the third attempt to figure out why I feel so rotten about myself.

When I was younger I learned Self-preservation...to be ironic...I learned Self-prosecution...to be sarcastic. It was okay when I was younger. I was strong, full of compassion, kind almost beyond description because I was on the constant pain-blocker of ignorance.

But, once I woke up...

Mercy.

~AC

Location, Location, Location

Undoing a mistake increases the possibility of making more mistakes. Letting life run its course is the only option to get from point A to B without tripping over my own ego. Have I finally found a key to my own success?

If I was in the hospital now, I would probably be too drugged to even notice I could think for myself, and that is just the beginning of my rant about that. So, I'll stop before I even get started.

It will be interesting to see my Psychiatrist on the couch. It will be interesting to see my parents in therapy and medicated to within inches of their lives. It will be interesting to see all the karma come back around...

I'll be in the West Wing if you need me.

~AC

Speech: A

We're here.

We have finally arrived.

The center of the board, two checks, and one balance.

It is amazing to me how far we've come, from the hideous underbelly of racism, sexism, ageism...we rise to the occasion because that is what Americans do.

We have a choice. We can turn it on each other and murder ourselves or we can turn it on ourselves and save each other.

Where do you want to go?

What do you really want to do?

How many nights will we face the darkness before we are rescued by the light in our own hearts, minds?

Silently and directly in the camera: And my dear Atheists, come off it, you've just built a religion to apathy.

When I think about the reaching of science, the striving for hope, the cures and the medicine of our worlds, I miss the options to breathe.

And we need to breathe.

All of us.

For us all.

~AC

Pretty is as Pressing Does

The last time I allowed myself to be pressed into service for this monstrosity of an Social-Economic-Industrialized-Military PRESENCE...I went to see and never came back...

Is it SEA? OR WAS IT MERELY TO SEE?!

I tell you what, why don't you take all your chemical compounds...and pull a Chris Tucker.

And SHOVE IT ALL UP INTO YOUR...

I think an enema might be the prescription for this disease of PRIDE.

Colonic Anyone?

Anyone?

No?

~AC

Knock, Knock

Answer?

I have one simple answer, you mind your business, and I'll mind mine.

Unbelievable.

How much more digging do you want to do?

I have absolutely gone as far as I ever want to go.

I know WHO I need. I know WHO supplies it. I know what HE cost.

(You just thought I wanted drugs didn't you?)

Go back and read it again.

Jesus.

~AC

Job Titles...

More fodder for the dossier...

Have you ever smelled a barn which needs a serious mucking out?

I have.

Have you ever smelled a pizza months after it is digested as best as possible?

I have.

Have you ever smelled the freshness of a clean spirit?

I have.

Have you ever been lucky enough to notice.

I have.

~AC

What I Wanted to Say...

Was thank you for the warm hugs...

For the way you hold me at night in your thoughts.

Do you even realize how much it means to me to know you are there, absorbing and cleansing my soul, as I dig, ever deeper, into the pain I feel every time I allow myself the luxury of emotion?

You were opening your life to me...and I was shutting you out because I hate myself so much for what happened to me...

As if I had had some control over the Fate which was chosen for me and the people who moved into my world with reckless abandon to teach me control.

It was and still is the hardest lesson to learn because the effect to the cause is missing.

People walk in, they get hurt, the walk out, and stay away...

There is no mirror. I am in a room with walls...a ceiling...a floor...

But no decoration. It is not really my room. It is just a room.

There is a lack of character in me that is missing due to the buried and hideous pain I feel.

The set-up.

The knock-down.

And it was all because they wanted to be rich.

~AC

Crisis

They are telling me that the worst is over.

They are telling me that I can be happy.

They are telling me that Jesus loves me.

They are telling me that the trust I need is all within my heart.

They are telling me that I am capable of new life, new relationships, new careers.

They are telling me to act like I have some sense of self-preservation.

They are telling me to work out my happiness and pray for others.

They are telling me to be honest.

They are telling me to be smart and keep my mouth shut.

And I am telling them to mind their own business.

And then I am telling them to let me be.

And they are all correct.

And I am correct too.

So we are at an impass...

Wheels spinning.

Spinning wheel of fate.

A little longer, they are going to make sure I give up, and brute force me to be real.

And I am but they are going to be very sorry they forced my hand.

How many people are hurting now for the loss of the ones they love.

How many people now are crucifying their own spirit.

How many of us are in complete desperation and isolation.

How many of us built our own mental prisons.

Help me.

Help me help them.

Euthanization is not the answer.

The answer is compassion and truth.

Gentleness that I must learn within myself.

And caring that is the general focus of my heart.

~AC

More of the Same...What's in a Name?

He was so tired.

Topped off his overcoat with a fedora and packed his Colt 45 in his shoulder holster...

She was making the whole situation explode. Why not just relax...smile...have a toke?

I just wondered...

Is he full of life?

Lust?

Wealth?

Or just apathy now that it was so easy to turn a dime into a million bucks?

Not easy?

Did someone catch the guy who blew up the meth lab in the marijuana field in Northern Cali?

Just another case...on his desk...and more of the same in his life.

*******************

She had more personalities than any 300 people should have.

And they all called her by a different name.

They say Identity Theft is a crime.

But what if they are all me?

What's in a name?

~AC

The Director Wears Old Spice?

How novel.

Trade up for Lagerfeld. You'll get more play. On a man, this fragrance is capable of even chilling me out. Just a tip from a girl who appreciates your work ethic even though I question your motives.